| yeah |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|06:04 pm] |
i still exist.
how about them apples? |
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| woo |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|08:03 pm] |
one month.
same girl.
no cheating.
its a big step for me.
~breathe out~
i'm in seattle for the day.
my birthday is in 6 days, and to bypass the usual hell i'm going on a 3 day surf trip.
no phones, no internet, nobody except me and my kaitlin. |
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| changes |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|11:09 pm] |
i live in portland now.
woo. leave love. |
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| wow |
[Apr. 29th, 2005|10:17 pm] |
my canadian pride is through the roof.
i love canada.
LOVE
with a capital LOVE. |
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| leaving seattle |
[Apr. 24th, 2005|07:16 pm] |
i'm moving to portland. may 24th.
hopefully.
never should of moved here, what a bad experiment this turned out to be. i'll post pics of my new place when it happens.
if. if.
everyone add me to myspace.
myspace.com/secretagentx9 |
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| eeee |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|06:56 pm] |
i went and saw kat a couple weeks ago.
what a waste of time she/that was.
toronto i'm coming to you soon.
somebody clue me in on a good travelling job, it'd be nice to get the fuck away from the entire world for awhile.
comment if you know a way or know of an opening somewhere. |
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| a prediction (crosspost) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2005|12:02 pm] |
one of these days, the little life ive built myself is just going to consume me and i'm going to disappear and start an entire new life somewhere else.
everything and all the lies are already starting to rise to my surface and have been driving me insane.
i don't think it'll last through this year.
man i'm having a bad day. |
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| Nothing Better |
[Feb. 20th, 2005|10:47 pm] |
\Me/
Will someone please call a surgeon?
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?
That your're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry
So just say how to make it right
And i swear i'll do my best to comply
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
\Her/
I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave
So please back away and let me go
I can't my darling i love you so...
\Me/
Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures
I admit that i have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
\Her/
You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye.
oi |
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| evil |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|04:56 pm] |
i went to tsunami bomb last night.
loved every second of it. Agent M was my valentine.
life is good, minus the overwhelming desire to still shut some people out that i havent yet.
yawn. im hungry.
friday at the vera project there is a sweet ass concert.
It's the Live from the Morning Alternitive CD Release Party. The price of admission even includes the CD! how badass is that?
i don't know why i type that because nobody from the puget sound even reads my damn journal.
but at least you guys know the cool things im doing...
i cant wait until this weekend, my workweeks go by so quick now that im in a cycle. its cool beans
but yeah, i still hella wanna move to canada, nina has volunteered to "git er dun" with me. so thats awesome. its always better to have a partner in crime.
other than that there isnt much. my first serious girlfriend that i ever had might fly up and see me for a weekend, thatd be so cool. its been like 4 years since ive seen her. strange eh? it might just make me normal... |
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| yeah |
[Feb. 8th, 2005|08:59 pm] |
| [ | How i'm feelin? |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | What's spinnin? |
| | The Strokes - Reptilia | ] |
today sucks
i might be moving to kirkland
thats good.
kirkland is good. nice apartments are good.
except the more i think about the housewarming party that would of course ensue i think about the lack of people id have to invite. i really need to make new friends.
new friends.
as in. not the same old friends i keep replacing. new people with new outlooks. its like every shitty person i get rid of i replace with someone worse.
yes, even in seattle. for the record.
ah fuck it.
"we'll see what happens when i no longer exist" |
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| oi |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|12:43 pm] |
last night i got killer drunk and went longboarding. fun stuff. i need to buy one asap. using nina's once in a great while isnt cutting it.
i don't know where i am in life right now.
one day i want to get out of my house so bad and move to a new one
one day i want to move to vancouver to find the so-called better life i've been trying to find my whole life
one day i just want to lay in bed all day and hope a new better idea comes to me
i'm mentally exhausted with ideas on how to make myself happy.
its raining out today, and in a beautiful way i wish i was the rain splashing on my hat, life would be so good.
i just don't know. i'd like to say my identity crisis of the past few years was over too, but it keeps on getting worse.
add to that jenn is trying to talk to me again. argh. kill me now
"karma police, i've given all i can, it's not enough" |
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| a quick thought |
[Jan. 14th, 2005|12:51 am] |
inside me i feel this great hopelessness, that has been quenched lately with my new job, and trying to readjust myself to be better. but it's still there, pulling at every move i do, wrapping it's destructive fingers around the throat that is both my happiness and self esteem. the happier i get, the more the fingers tighten and try to force my well wishes and meanings back down into the drawn out stream of unpleasentness where my mind is forced to fish for it's feeelings.
i think that makes sense, if it doesn't, leave a comment telling me how it sucked. |
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| c'est la vie mon frere |
[Jan. 14th, 2005|12:19 am] |
| [ | How i'm feelin? |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | What's spinnin? |
| | The Arcade Fire | ] |
ahh ahh, it's warming up in the puget sound this next week. mid to low 50s in the day, mid-high 40s at night. which means:
the lows will be higher than the highs of late. that is such good news, you people have no idea.
my new job goes well, i might even be buying a car soon. it needs a timing belt and a paint job but hey i can do it! it's an 86 MR2 for those counting. i probably won't drive it after i buy it, i want to get back on my feet before i insure it. i'm going to try and locate my old tercel and see whats been going on with that as of late. maybe i can get out it out tow and sell it to pay off my credit card? who knows? not me says I.
i still haven't seen kat since we got back together, and thats really hard on me. its not easy at all to have a grounded damn girlfriend.
sigh, i keep going pulling myself out of debt though. i decided to try and become a professional student this next year, so i need to build up a bit of a savings...
if anyone has weekend plans they want to let me in on, i'll be happy to share them with you. it's college invasion in Whistler this weekend and i'm sad I can't go, i'm scheduled to go to bc NEXT weekend goddamnit. big planning mistake. and kat of course will be gone, in the good ole PDX for her competitive cheerleading competition.
good luck babe!
look, i'm supportive.
this really is a (slightly)new mase.
i like to think a person really can change for the better.
then again i only seem to think this when i need to change.
damn.
"c'est la vie, here am i lonely" |
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| meow |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|02:07 am] |
| [ | How i'm feelin? |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | What's spinnin? |
| | Bright Eyes | ] |
i'm officially back together with Kat, no one saw that coming did you? not even me. it's crazy. i'm pretty much over jenn already because she got to be such a crappy girlfriend towards the end its not even funny. plus i know now she was a cheater as much as she wants to hide it and pretend she was miss perfect girlfriend. i believe my song of the moment goes something like...
Broken heart again today...
The flowers that I gave to you have withered all away.
Just when I opened up my heart
The one you used to love came and ripped it right apart.
Why do I never seem to learn?
That love is wrong and girls are fucking evil.
I guess I'll never figure out
What womankind is all about.
I heard your voice again today
I'm scarred by all the lies that were once promises you'd made.
I lie in bed awake at night
And wonder what went wrong or even more just what went right./
Sums it up about i'd say.
I hope I can not like destroy Kat this time like i've done before. I'm banking on third times the charm. I have faith in myself this time, and she can't be half as bad a girlfriend as Jen was at the end.
I do admit though, I miss having someone to wake up to so often. I don't know if anything in the near future will be able to cure that.
The other day the official year of hell for the most part ended with the ousting of Jen, now I am a new person. A new Mase you could say. I have a lot of personal growth goals to hit by June, lets hope I can do it...
"a broken heart is mended by the kiss of another" (haven't made a journal entry ending quote in awhile...) |
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| yee ouch |
[Jan. 11th, 2005|08:05 am] |
I just made the half mistake of reading an entry from her journal, nothing really surprising, except the fact i'm not attractive. Now taht kind of hurts, since my self esteem is already at an all time low...
Curiosity got the better of me, won't happen again I can tell you that.
Go away Jen. Just go away. |
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| hmmmm |
[Jan. 11th, 2005|07:42 am] |
| [ | How i'm feelin? |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | What's spinnin? |
| | Snow Patrol | ] |
"I woke up this morning not in your arms. Not knowing where you were or who you were with. I sat up and looked down at my arm, where your bracelet was tightly fitted onto. IT says Faith-hope-love-dream-live. All I could do was cry. Crying out my feelings for you. Knowing that I gave you up. And this is how it is going to be. It's hard being the one who broke us up. I had my reasons. But I will always heart you. I will always be your Roo Roo. Maybe one say we will talk. I sit here now wanting to be held by you. To lay with you which felt so natural. To have you kiss my forehead. To hear you sing to me again."
Believe me when I say that's not words that came out of Hayley's mouth. Although they are somewhat along the same path. It's funny how words like that come after phrases like
"everyone knows you treat me like shit"
and the ever present in my mind...
"why would I want to be with you when every other guy treats me so better"
and of course this classic....
"you take advantage of me and use me" (something like that anyway, similiar vein)
So to sum it up, she says a bunch of things when she comes over to my house 5 hours late drunk as hell expecting me not to be angry. Especially when I'm like 90% sure she's cheating on me, and I actually start listening to one of my good friends with at least half an ear (he makes up stuff as much as the next girl), this isn't a person I want to be associated with, and now I can't get her to go away. She's everywhere I don't want/need her to be, even here and I know she'll be reading this, that's why comments are disabled.
She assumes I want to know this great truth about everything but I don't trust what comes out of her mouth. I didn't even have a huge trust for her when we were together, what's why I avoided the L word when we were together.
Think about it Miss Everett, think about it. Why would I even want to talk to someone who has derailed my life so much?
(Keep in mind I know it wasn't all bad, but the focus is on the negative right now)
I just wish...that'd you leave me alone and let me move on.
You walked out of MY door and left me sitting. Talking about how you could cut me out of your life so easily. Now you're out of mine, but it's not as easy since you're trying to infect everything that's mine. I don't even want to know what you told Tina and Evan the night you left, and I have to live with those people.
So, to sum it up. Go run to those guy's arms who will treat you so much better. Go there.
We'll see if they give you a place to stay the next time you find a friend who's habitually trying to ruin your life in everyway possible. We'll see who keeps your mind together everytime you decide you hate your mom and need advice.
It's not me anymore, so don't even look here. No matter what, don't look here. You'll find nothing but memories.
In the words of Thursday...IT NEVER ENDS
I wish Kat was ungrounded. |
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| one year. |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|11:15 pm] |
its been one bloody year since i started this journal and had the biggest breakdown of my life. where i am now?
full of hope.
i need to take some serious time into writing in this thing but i can never find the time.
im somewhat depressed but its not like last year where nothing made me happy and i couldnt control it.
i would like to officially biblically call this year of hell over, and close this chapter, i just hope we don't run into overtime.
i decided not to talk to any of my ex girlfriends if i wouldnt get back with them, no more of this friends bullshit. i dont care anymore, if you dont want me or i dont want you. youre gone. ex-nay.
poof. vamoose son of a bitch.
thats pretty much all the snippets i have for right now. other than im cranky. so yeah, hopefully ill find time to sit around and update you guys on my life.
but i wouldnt put your money in a swiss bank over it. |
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|
| One year, three days ago.. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2004|01:20 pm] |
I met Fia in Hermiston, Oregon and saved her from being date raped, and she threw it in my face. I don't exactly count that as the technical beginning of the year of hell I've been through, it was more of a precursor, a prologue you could say. The precise beginning I like to say is January 4th, 2004. When I found out Jessica Favors had a boyfriend and I was still under the pretense that she wasn't going to do that. I've been through everything in this year... girl troubles in the most insane exponential way, family troubles, friend troubles, and now hellish financial troubles. It's not like this wouldn't happen in any other year, especially in MY life, but just the way everything has been magnified and cut so much deeper than in years past has truely made it hellish.
It hasn't been all bad, of course, rarely anything ever is. I've had a lot of adventures over here I haven't posted about, because it not really in my fiber to post good things into this journal, it wasn't meant for that. It was meant for me to air my dirty laundry in the quietest way possible. I've learned a lot since I moved out on my own and decided to secede from Idaho and go it on my own. I honestly didn't think this move all the way through of course, but sorting out my mistakes has been half the fun. I've been here about 6 months now, and I've had 3 somewhat serious girlfriends, and plenty of sidestories to tell. Hopefully over the next few days my sense of story telling will come back and I'll be able to write in some snippits of stories here and there.
But back to the main point, this year has been a tribulation of biblical proportions for me, sometimes I think it's God's little kick in the ass for trying to get with my Republican buddy in Moscow. Phew, how times have changed since THAT encounter. I'm looking at everything retrospectivly since it is the end of the year and all, and I hate it when people/organizations give their end of the year wrap up in NOVEMBER. I'm not even putting a full wrap on this year until at LEAST the 28th-29th of this month, since I still have to go back to Idaho for Christmas, so theres plenty of (potential)drama to come. I've always had a general direction as to where my life was going, a central goal that kept me going, whether it was to move back to Seattle, or just find a really hot girlfriend, or make my car faster. I don't really have a real direction I'm going towards now, I don't know if I want to go back to college or try my hand at real estate, which is a very attractive option that has popped up recently. The closest thing I have is just to find a job that pays over $10/hour and work full time for the next few months and save up some money for once instead of spending it. I didn't do too bad when I moved here, I had $1300. I just kind of used it all without much to replace it with.(whoops.) But I do have a job on the horizon, Cingular is paying $11/hour to do over-the-phone cell phone crap like I did in my last job in Idaho (They paid $7.75/hour...hmm) and I'm pretty much a shoe in for the job since I have experience.
Now it's time for a free math lesson.
Assuming I work full time at $11/hour I will make $1760 a month gross (11*40*4)
Subtract the $125 taxes(I have a way of figuring this out when it comes to my incomes) and I'll have $1635 a month net.
Since rent is currently my only bill, and thats $425 a month (including my internet and utilities paid) that will leave me with $1225 to spend.
If I can curb my personal spending to $125 a month that leaves me with $1100 saved. Almost the amount I had saved when I moved over here, except this way I can have it back in one month. The first month's savings will pretty much be wiped out by debt repayment, just so I can get all of that out the way right at the beginning and I'm free and clear from then on. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? Getting a little over $800 every two weeks will be nice too. That's the biggest motivator, the two week paycheck.
They better give me the job!
I honestly don't want to come back to Idaho for christmas, I'm actually trying to avoid it which is why I'm sitting behind this computer screen instead of in Idaho doddling about. I need to call my aunt back today because she's been on me about my Idaho plans. She's the big deciding factor in me going back, I've come to figure out the person that I've missed the most since I moved is my aunt. Strange how that works out.
Don't get me wrong, there is people I want to see over there, but its just so much hassle, and I feel so out of bloody place there. It wouldn't be so bad if I could use one of the 13 running and decent cars in my immediate family's possession.
But I guess since I live on my own in a big city, and I've tried to make my own life without their help (their financial contribution thus far? £0, Which isn't a complaint, but it should point to something), that must be a beacon of untrustworthiness. It's maddening.
So the idea of relying on other people for rides, and probably not even having the time to see who I want to see and all that beacause of it makes the potential frustration mountain higher than the hill of sadness if I just avoid it altogether. I keep expecting them to come around, but it just hasn't been met. To my family, I think I will always feel mostly untrusted, and that doesn't exactly entice me into visiting. Maybe someday they'll realize that, but I'm not banking on it.
I'll hopefully post my full year retrospective along with some of my stories I've piled on since I moved here sometime between now and January 4th, (Which I'm hopefully going to be able to call the official end to this year) so expect a fair bit of writing (if I can muster it) between now and then.
For now, I'm going back to bed. Or playing X-Box, I'm not sure yet.
Oh yeah, I get into Spokane tomorrow at 4:15 and I'm staying until the 30th if anyone cares to want to visit me. Reply to this if you don't have my phone number. |
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